Me: Realizing Myself.

 For one night, as I lay on my bed (well not really a bed...) I started to think about life generally and most significantly on my feelings...towards somebody.

Experiencing love is something that, although it can be very painful, something good or something worthwhile. If no one ever experienced it at least once or at least a small bit of love for someone, I would say...that's weird. :)

And I've experienced my share of happy, sad and bittersweet moments of love. Although it may not be as strong or as big as others and maybe not as long as others, it still happened, and I have to say it affected me. I think.

Because I know I have been hurt and I have hurt.

So I've entered college. I've met new people. I've seen new people.
Unfortunately, not many attractive guys. LOL.
But there are a few. XD
But none who I can have feelings for, as much as I wanted to.

And I really did want to. At least a teaspoon of those feelings of liking someone.

Those bittersweet, happy feelings you get when the person talks to you or walks by you. Even though you know there's a high chance it's not going to work out between you two.

I know it's strange. But I am strange.

Everytime I think of someone who I could start to like (as more than as a friend), I stop, just like a machine being switched off. Why do I stop?

Because everytime I think of that someone my stomach tightens painfully and my heart feels like its stuck in a cage that I can't be free from. It hurts, almost as if I can't breathe and my heart is heavy.

If I drew how I felt onto a piece of paper I would just colour it black, because really, I felt like I was in the dark everytime I felt that heavy weight on my heart and that painful tightening of my stomach.

At first, I had no idea why I felt that way everytime I think of liking someone.

But now, I realized after thinking about it for an hour (or what seemed like an hour) that I was scared of experiencing it again, even though I wanted to experience it.

I hate that.

~Saera.