ShortShorts - 3

I like you but I hate you.

I want to laugh with you but I want to scream at you.

Everytime you say 'No', I believe in you.

There was no other choice but to believe in you.

There are tons of reasons why I should despise you.

But I hide it in the back of my mind while I tell myself, 'It's not true. She wouldn't lie to me.'

I love you too much to lose as a friend. 

And you are so much better than me so I shouldn't be surprised if anything happens.

But I can cry right? 

Yet I don't, because if I did then I'd be angry at you. If I was angry at you it would turn into hate.

And I don't want to hate you.

But this feeling is eating me up. But even if it eats me up whole and I become hollow, I won't ever let you know. Just smiling...is enough. I don't want you, out of all people, to be worried about me.

The truth is:

1) I wanted to find reasons why I should hate you. (Which I have, but I was never able to hate you for it.)

2) I wanted to simply apologize to you for the feelings that are hidden inside me. (Even if you are confused to why I am apologizing to you.)

3) I wanted to stay as your friend as long as we can. (Although now I feel like we're distant, I think it's because of me.)

4) I just have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that you aren't telling me the truth. (I think you should, because it's better for me to know truth than a lie.)

But nothing ever turns out that way does it? I've even told you my 'What if?' which you denied over and over again.

I told you everything about me. I told you I was tired. Mentally, physically. Tired of everything.

But in your eyes, you don't see me. That's why, I feel as if though you're telling me lies.

I want to cry but I don't.

I want to hate you but I don't.

I want to scream at you but I don't.

And if I do everything I wanted, I'd lose a good friend over someone who, evidently, does not look at me but perhaps looks at you.

And everything will break because of me. I'm too scared for that to happen, so I'd rather freeze myself and fight myself alone until I win this fight. 

Until then I'd be lying as well. 

That is why I have to hold everything inside me and feed it my heart so that it doesn't get out and cause anymore damage (as damaging me should be enough).

Because I'm so stupid, I do deserve something like this. But for the both of you...

It's better if you didn't know someone like me.