December III.

12/12/2009 -

It's a special day, isn't it? I'm supposed to have fun, be happy, enjoy myself to the fullest.

I'm seventeen! One more year to becoming legal!

Right?

Sadly I don't care. But I have enjoyed myself in the company of my friends and I have no doubt that I love them all. Too much that I cannot live without them.

And wasn't December supposed to be full of celebration? 

Sadly even during my birthday, my family is in pain.

While I enjoy myself another person is suffering.

But what could I do? She's missing me. So I'm leaving to meet her.

Then thinking about meeting her gets me so scared.

I'm scared that when I get there, she's gone. I'm scared that when I see her, I'll cry. I'm scared that when I leave her, I'll miss her.

Life plays tricks on you and you're helpless. 

And when I'm happy I'm going to be sad. Definitely, undoubtedly.

That's why there are some things to give up because I'm too scared to feel the pain.

That's why I'm giving up on what should be wonderful.

I don't want my hands to be trembling while I type this. I don't want my tears to be flowing while I think about this. I don't want this horrible feeling that's stuck within me.

It's December and I'm supposed to be happy. But I'm not.