Words.Strings.Connection.

１リットルの涙。

2010-05-28T02:11:00.003+08:00

When I watch this drama it just makes me cry. It's only the second episode, and I'm bursting with tears. I wonder how the real person must have felt when she found out she had this disease. I wonder how her parents had put up with knowing it. This drama had many funny moments yet the moment I laughed was the moment I cried.

The tears don't stop.

Merry-Go-Round.

2010-05-10T23:05:00.003+08:00

We stood in line for the Merry-Go-Round.
There were tons of people waiting in front of us.
When we had the chance to sit, we couldn't sit together because there were no empty spots which we could sit together.
So you sat on one horse while I sat on another. Except we were across each other and the pillar at the center of the Merry-Go-Round blocked our view of each other.
But when the ride ended and we met each other again, you beamed a smile at me and said it was fun.
So I smiled and said it was fun for me too, even though it was a lie.
I hope you lied too when you told me it was fun.

Fly me to the moon,
And let me play among the stars.
Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars.
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, darling, kiss me.

Fill my heart with song,
and let me sing forever more.
You are all I long for, all I worship and adore.
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you.
- Fly me to the moon

Hey. Make me laugh.

The World Still Moves Round and Round.

2010-05-07T22:14:00.003+08:00

It is messy. It had to be messy. It didn't have to stop. It shouldn't stop. Because it kept moving I was thankful. Even though right now you're not relying on me. Even if right now I can't smile. And all I'm doing right now is listening to music which sings about the world moving round and round.

And then you'll laugh at me. I know I can't do anything. I know I'm incapable of doing anything. But then I wanted to lie and say I could. Why can't I lie?

I want to dream of reality.

In front of you I laugh :)

ピンク色なのに？

2010-04-13T14:02:00.003+08:00

ピンク色なのに、ピンク色じゃない？

愛じゃなくて。恋じゃなくて。
友情。

友。友。友。

それでも。。。愛も。。。恋も。。。必要としてる。

光？
闇？

ツレテクレルダレカガホシイ。

Every.

2010-04-06T20:53:00.003+08:00

A.
As if you knew everything.
I hope next time, you'll think a bit.
You don't realize, it has affected me.

B.
Fall.
Scream.
Laugh.
Cry.
Live.

C.
Reality is vague.
Reality is peculiar.
Reality is...reality?

I should have looked more closely when things were so obvious. I must have lied so that I could run away and live in a dream. I should have listened closely when the sounds were blaring in my ears. I must have worn ear plugs so that I don't end up getting frustrated.

But now I am frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. I feel even more pathetic than I was before. But since the truth has been revealed, I think it's much more easier for me to move on.

明日も。

2010-04-04T23:53:00.002+08:00

If you do this, it is bad.
If you do that, it is bad.

You're trying but you're not.
You're falling but you're not.

Pity me, pity me.
Somebody, hear me.

I'm crying, I'm crying.
But I'm not. I'm not.

Take my scissors. My hands were shaking.
I needed to feel something different. So I cut.

Myself? Me? What did I do?
Proof is on me. Scars.

泪。笑顔。何？
I'm tired. I'm tired.

つながってる。　ツナガッテル？
何フザケテンノ？

It hurts. It hurts.
イタイ。　イタイ。

Help. Help.
助けないで。

明日も逃げよう。

きっと。。。

2010-03-26T22:49:00.003+08:00

色々ある世界の中で

私は笑う。

あなたもきっと笑ってる。

ウソだとしても。

だって、仕方ないもん。

でしょ？

でも、

きっと、

いつか、

心から笑う。

だからあきらめないで。

元気だして。

笑顔見せてほしい。

SOSOS.

2010-03-23T18:45:00.002+08:00

morning. smile. sun. shine. laughter. jokes. food. speedy. time. friends. smile. jokes. mail. messages. smiles. emotions. confusion. pathetic. anger. immaturity. revenge. guilty. smiles. sacrifice. smiles. dumb. iknow. selfish. justforonce. guilty. noodles. tomato. face. sadness. guilt. takeaway. future. fight. lightsabers. gundam. marriage. babies. trials. exams. economics. law. sociology. thinkingskills. literature. jane. suki. durarara. Dollars. anime. forgive. forget. guilt. truth. guilt. friends. guilt. love. guilt. sacrifice. giveup. guilt. cost. money. future. excitement. ugly. hope. guilt. smiles. guilt. smiles. guilt. smiles. guilt. smiles. guilt. smiles. guilt. smiles. guilt. smiles. guilt. smiles. guilt. smiles.

cut. laugh. blood. laugh. guilt. smiles. save. don't. save. can't. guilt. smiles. tears. smiles. happy. sad. smiles. guilt. end.

ShortShorts - 10

2010-03-19T22:12:00.000+08:00

When you look at me, you look through me.

I tried so hard to stop and I'm tired.

No matter what I do, I still stand in the same spot.

I unconsciously do things so that something within will change.

And I only realize after I've done it.

It makes me mad, frustrated and most of all...

Pathetic.

ShortShorts - 9

2010-03-01T21:29:00.002+08:00

I don't want to see someone breakdown unnecessarily.

I don't want to see someone cry over something unworthy of the tears.

But at the same time I just want to say, 'Hey! Get over it because it's not hard!!'

But I don't...as usual.

And time was running along with the course of events.

I end up laughing because the events happen.

I laugh because there's nothing else to do but laugh.

And if I believe that everthing will be okay...

I'll be able to get over some things myself. And I believe that I can.

ShortShorts - 8

2010-02-22T17:57:00.002+08:00

Since I have nothing much to post about (unless you want to read my whiny feelings),

I'm just going to post quotes from my favourite games until I have something interesting to post.

'Kairi! Remember what you said before? I'm always with you too. I'll come back to you... I promise!'

- Sora (Kingdom Hearts)

'Take care of her.'

- Riku (Kingdom Hearts)

'Friends, same heart. Clayton, lose heart. No heart, no see friends. No heart, no friends.'

- Tarzan (Kingdom Hearts//Tarzan)

'If two people share one, their destinies become intertwined. They'll remain a part of each other's lives no matter what. C'mon, I know you want to try it.'

- Riku (Kingdom Hearts)

'It's my lucky charm, be sure to bring it back to me!'

- Kairi (Kingdom Hearts)

'I'm thinking about what to think about.'

- Winnie The Pooh (Kingdom Hearts//Winnie The Pooh)

'No matter where I go, or... what I see... I know I can always come back here. Right?'

- Kairi (Kingdom Hearts)

'Giving up already? C'mon, Sora, I thought you were stronger than that.'

- Riku (Kingdom Hearts)

'Don't ever forget: wherever you go, I'm always with you.'

- Kairi (Kingdom Hearts)

'What is a heart anyway?'

- Dr. Finklestein (Kingdom Hearts//Nightmare Before Christmas)

ShortShorts - 7

2010-02-19T21:01:00.002+08:00

'You came. Even though you're about to break.'

- Aerith (Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

'I said I'd live out both our lives. Easy to make that promise.'

- Cloud (Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children)

'Listen to my story. This may be our last chance.'

- Tidus (Final Fantasy X)

'I've... learned how to smile... Even when I'm feeling sad.'

- Yuna (Final Fantasy X)

'A thousand years... and this moment is all we get?!'

- Shuyin (Final Fantasy X-2)

'This moment's enough... I don't need anything else.'

- Lenne (Final Fantasy X-2)

'When I couldn't see a future and I was afraid. When the future was clear and it hurt to see, I just close my eyes and lose myself in happier tastes.'

- Oerba Dia Vanille (Final Fantasy XIII)

'Here comes the Hero!'

- Snow Villiers (Final Fantasy XIII)

'It is better to die in hope than live in despair.'

- Yunalesca (Final Fantasy X)

ShortShorts - 6

2010-02-17T17:18:00.001+08:00

The sky right now is crying.

But like all of us, it will eventually stop.

Look up when it cries, and look up when it shines.

I'll be looking too.

Because we share the same sky.

ShortShorts - 5

2010-02-16T22:13:00.002+08:00

I'm tired.

I'm f-ing tired.

I thought the image of my bleeding hands stopped. But it keep appearing in my mind, the blood dripping of my fingers slowly, yet not painfully.

And then I think, perhaps it's better this way.

And since it's all inside me, it's better this way.

I'm tired. I feel like taking a deep slumber.

A deep, deep, slumber.

ShortShorts - 4

2010-02-14T21:17:00.000+08:00

As if I needed some assurance.

You do.

And...

I won't make a difference.

ShortShorts - 3

2010-02-13T12:28:00.003+08:00

I like you but I hate you.

I want to laugh with you but I want to scream at you.

Everytime you say 'No', I believe in you.

There was no other choice but to believe in you.

There are tons of reasons why I should despise you.

But I hide it in the back of my mind while I tell myself, 'It's not true. She wouldn't lie to me.'

I love you too much to lose as a friend.

And you are so much better than me so I shouldn't be surprised if anything happens.

But I can cry right?

Yet I don't, because if I did then I'd be angry at you. If I was angry at you it would turn into hate.

And I don't want to hate you.

But this feeling is eating me up. But even if it eats me up whole and I become hollow, I won't ever let you know. Just smiling...is enough. I don't want you, out of all people, to be worried about me.

The truth is:

1) I wanted to find reasons why I should hate you. (Which I have, but I was never able to hate you for it.)

2) I wanted to simply apologize to you for the feelings that are hidden inside me. (Even if you are confused to why I am apologizing to you.)

3) I wanted to stay as your friend as long as we can. (Although now I feel like we're distant, I think it's because of me.)

4) I just have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that you aren't telling me the truth. (I think you should, because it's better for me to know truth than a lie.)

But nothing ever turns out that way does it? I've even told you my 'What if?' which you denied over and over again.

I told you everything about me. I told you I was tired. Mentally, physically. Tired of everything.

But in your eyes, you don't see me. That's why, I feel as if though you're telling me lies.

I want to cry but I don't.

I want to hate you but I don't.

I want to scream at you but I don't.

And if I do everything I wanted, I'd lose a good friend over someone who, evidently, does not look at me but perhaps looks at you.

And everything will break because of me. I'm too scared for that to happen, so I'd rather freeze myself and fight myself alone until I win this fight.

Until then I'd be lying as well.

That is why I have to hold everything inside me and feed it my heart so that it doesn't get out and cause anymore damage (as damaging me should be enough).

Because I'm so stupid, I do deserve something like this. But for the both of you...

It's better if you didn't know someone like me.

ShortShorts - 2

2010-02-06T19:36:00.002+08:00

I don't have a cage, but I want one just for me.

It would be a normal cage, like a bird's cage, and it would be covered by a black cloth.

And I had a dream of it.

I just had a dream of it.

If I had that cage, I would feel most comfortable in it, and I can think about a lot of things without having to share it with anyone else.

If I had a cage I would be silent.

If I had a cage I could cry alone inside.

If I had a cage everything that I say stays inside the cage.

And no one has to know what I say or feel.

Because it's a cage just for me, and me alone.

ShortShorts.

2010-01-25T22:08:00.002+08:00

What do I say?

What should I say?

Dum Dum Dee Dum...

I think I'm just going to end...

And listen to my favourite songs.

While time flies by to OUR finals.

And then we part. Again.

flumpool. What's flumpool?

2010-01-07T00:41:00.002+08:00

When I stayed in Japan there were tons of commercials (which I enjoyed watching) of music, games and cars. I especially loved the Daihatsu commercial of the deer.

Daihatsu CM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeeywlWK_zo

And I also saw a CM of flumpool, a band of punk rock (punk rock?) with their newest album release, 'What's flumpool?'. Got back home and downloaded it. I love it :)

And I loved Japanese variety shows. Especially with オードリー!!

And Gackt looks so cool!!! Too cool~

Ah~ I wish I stayed a little longer in Japan.

オードリー　春日、やきにく、キングダム　ハーツ。

2010-01-05T00:14:00.002+08:00

トゥース！ - オードリー　春日

I love Gackt!! He's so cool!!

I became super meat eater!! YAKINIKU!!

And I bought Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy Straps!! XD

Needless to say, I had fun in Japan.

I wish I could stay longer.

And I want to see　春日　and Gackt again.

December III.

2009-12-14T20:16:00.003+08:00

12/12/2009 -

It's a special day, isn't it? I'm supposed to have fun, be happy, enjoy myself to the fullest.

I'm seventeen! One more year to becoming legal!

Right?

Sadly I don't care. But I have enjoyed myself in the company of my friends and I have no doubt that I love them all. Too much that I cannot live without them.

And wasn't December supposed to be full of celebration?

Sadly even during my birthday, my family is in pain.

While I enjoy myself another person is suffering.

But what could I do? She's missing me. So I'm leaving to meet her.

Then thinking about meeting her gets me so scared.

I'm scared that when I get there, she's gone. I'm scared that when I see her, I'll cry. I'm scared that when I leave her, I'll miss her.

Life plays tricks on you and you're helpless.

And when I'm happy I'm going to be sad. Definitely, undoubtedly.

That's why there are some things to give up because I'm too scared to feel the pain.

That's why I'm giving up on what should be wonderful.

I don't want my hands to be trembling while I type this. I don't want my tears to be flowing while I think about this. I don't want this horrible feeling that's stuck within me.

It's December and I'm supposed to be happy. But I'm not.

December (II)//If I was the Light.

2009-12-08T23:53:00.003+08:00

What day is it today? I don't even know.

I haven't checked the date since holidays started and I've been wasting the days away by sleeping, eating, and playing video games. As well as using the net till late at night.

Even though I get sleepy I don't go to sleep because...well, I don't know myself. Something stops me, god knows what.

I bet before I even know it, people are fill my message inbox with messages saying 'Happy Birthday!' or call me and wish me. And I'm going to be so blur.

I don't even feel like throwing myself a party. I'm not worth it :P

If I was the Light, you would never have to worry about waking up alone.

If I was the Light, I would bathe you with my warmth from the Sun and the brightness from...electricity (=_=)

If I was the Light, even you're dreams have me in it.

If I was the Light, you would need me anytime of the day.

If I was the Light, I would be there with you in your darkest hour.

If I was the Light, you would not talk to me.

If I was the Light, you would see right through me.

If I was the Light, I would not be able to talk to you.

If I was the Light, I would not hear your laughter or see your smiles.

If I was the Light, you would have a shadow.

And then I would hope that you would not lose to that shadow since it is a part of you.

And I will always be with you.

But I'm not the Light.

So I cry and laugh for that.

December.

2009-12-03T20:13:00.002+08:00

December, December. The end of the year. The coming of a new year. The month when I become one year older.

I used to be hyped about becoming one year older. But now...meh. So what.

I have always been planning a birthday where I simply stay in my room and sleep and eat but I never end up doing that every year since I started to stop caring about my birthday.

I get one year older and nothing changes. I'm still stupid, I'm still thinking, I'm still crying. (BOOHOO)

I'm tired of everything.

No one needs a loner/sad/emo/depressing person like me.

And FB calls me again so that nothing changes from the normal life I have.

Oh and then it's Christmas!!

I don't even do anything on that day.

And then it's New Years!!

And I stay up till midnight watching the countdown on TV and eat Japanese noodles.

I'm having fun! YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Ah...smile again, everyday.

Am I supposed to...

2009-12-02T17:22:00.002+08:00

Am I supposed to say "Haha, thanks :)"

Or am I supposed to say "You're such a big fat liar. Except you're not fat." ?

Am I supposed to say "You make happy."

Or am I supposed to say "You make me sad." ?

Am I supposed to say "Hey!!" whenever we pass,

Or am I supposed to look at you and look away?

Am I supposed to smile and hope everything's ok?

Or am I supposed to be as blank as ever?

Am I supposed to listen to love songs and grin,

Or am I supposed to listen to sad songs and cry?

Am I supposed to look in the mirror and say "You suck."

Or am I supposed to look in the mirror and say "You're shit." ?

Am I supposed to tell you face to face "I like you."

Or am I supposed to keep it inside me and hope for Chance to pull my strings?

Am I supposed to give up and look back on it,

Or am I supposed to take the step forward and make sure something happens?

What should I do?

Stay up late with me.

2009-11-30T19:52:00.004+08:00

I sense there's something in the wind
It feels like tragedy at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have

The worst is just around the bend
But does he notice, my feelings for him
And does he see, how much he means to me
I think it's not to be

What will become of my dear friend?
When will his actions lead us then?
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last

And will we ever end up together?
Oh....

And will we ever end up together?
No, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one

- Sally's Song (The Nightmare Before Christmas)

I haven't eaten all day. But I don't feel like eating anyway.

Stress is giving me a headache and my head feels like it's going to burst.

Stress makes me nauseous and you'll see me run into the toilet everytime before an exam starts.

Stress makes me lose my appetite so when I run into the toilet expecting something, nothing ever comes out.

Stress makes my hands shake everytime I stand outside the hall.

Stress makes my hands shake everytime I write on those papers.

Stress makes me scared and I feel like crying.

Stress makes me dizzy and blank.

Stress makes me wobbly.

I can't stand properly.

Won't someone support me?

Stay up late with me.

You know it.

2009-11-29T21:12:00.009+08:00

I slept at 3a.m yesterday and I'm as energetic as ever.

I'll be sleeping late today (or 'early') because I'm afraid of failing.

So whenever you need a nice long/short (innocent) conversation please feel free to come to me.

I cannot sleep. Yet. And you know it.

But you don't have to care. You never did (I'm guessing, but somehow I'm sure), why start now?

I believe I am keeping something precious, yes? Don't worry. It's safe in my hands.

And I am happy. (SMILE)

So don't care about me. Don't be bothered by me. Help others before turning your face to me.

When one conversation doesn't end well between us, don't ever worry.

I'm right here in the same spot and we can have another talk again.

I might get angry and I (might) get sad. But who cares?

Who cares.

No, I shall not stop.

When you look at me, I smile.

And you know it.

You (fucking) know it.

And guess what, I'm a selfish bitch.

So I'm telling (begging) you now, take back your precious treasure. Before I swallow it and you lose it forever (even though I don't want you to).

And I shall not, will not sleep.

And tomorrow look at me.

Expect me to smile.

Because I am happy.

And sleep well.

I want you to know.

2009-11-27T23:04:00.002+08:00

I don't like to hear you're crying. Or cried.

I don't like to see you crying.

I don't like to see your trembling hands.

I don't like to see you helpless.

But I'll be happy if you showed me your true feelings.

Because then I'll feel like I'm close enough to you to see you.

But that's ok. I know I'm not close enough and I know you don't really care about me.

(Hear me laugh)

I'm verbally abused, physically abused.

(Hear me laugh)

So when you see me cry I hope you do something.

Make me happy with false kindness.

Show me that you care (when you don't).

And feed me truth that are sweet lies.

Because you're gorgeous when you're nude.

2009-11-25T21:34:00.002+08:00

The difference between you and I.

I share my feelings openly while you keep everything inside.

I feel powerless and useless with you but you're my power and you support me through.

I fear breaking that thread that connects us but if you break it then I don't mind.

I don't care if I cry because I know I can depend on someone.

Even if it leads to me hating myself for being so weak.

But why would you care, right?

You're not talking to me, even if you are.

And I'm an idiot who seems like I'm talking to you, when you don't even care.

'Down here love wasn't meant to be
It wasn't meant to be for me' - Flyleaf/Missing

So why am I trying to pry the truth out of you?

Why do I want to be closer to you?

Why do I keep thinking something can happen, when you keep me close and push me away?

All I want to see is You.

Because you're gorgeous when you're nude.

You. Me.

2009-11-22T23:56:00.003+08:00

Do you see my smile?

Do you see my tears?

Do you see me?

When you hurt me, I feel happy.

When I cry, I'm happy.

When I see you, I'm jealous.

When I see you, I'm angry.

I hate you.

I love you.

My legs wobble.

My fists clench.

I prefer you to walk a few steps ahead of me.

But I hate it when you walk too fast.

That's because it looks like I'll never catch up with you.

And I don't want that.

Even though I know that I'm chasing someone who can't be caught.

How many times have I repeatedly told myself to give up?

But the truth always hurts.

And I see you walking up the stairs again.

Sometimes you're in front of me, beside me, behind me.

Do you see me?

繋いだ手を離さないで。/ Don't let go of our hands.

2009-11-15T21:01:00.000+08:00

"Trust in me."

Don't say sorry.

Because you helped me.

We are far apart, but we're still connected.

We have our problems yet we're there for each other.

And there was no doubt that our help benefited each of us.

So don't say sorry.

You'll make me sad.

I'm not crying, I'm not breaking.

I know you'll be there for me, though not at the right time,

But nevertheless you're there and you put me at ease.

You're not in the past because we're in the present.

We will be in the future and we must meet.

If we met once, we'll meet again.

And I refuse to let go of the bond we have.

We're playing a love game and the game of life.

Without you I wouldn't be able to roll the dice.

I'm too dependent on you and I don't want to.

But you hold out your hand, expecting me to take it.

And I'll take it every chance I get because I'm weak and I need help.

But you'll never tell me to 'Piss off!'

And I cry, I only cry because I'm filled with guilt.

The guilt of relying on you too much even when it's not necessary.

When I look up at the sky and ponder alone,

I know you'll ask me, 'What's wrong?'

If I didn't tell you then you'd persistently ask me for the answer.

So I tell you a bit, leading to everything.

It was always me who gets help for every single thing.

But it's never me who gives the help you need.

I should say sorry. I should hold out my hand.

Am I helping you enough?

I know you'll tell me it's enough. I know you'll tell me I shouldn't worry.

But that makes me more concerned. That makes me more concerned.

This is for you, you and you.

So that you know that I love you loads.

Even though there are days when I don't tell you much,

Even though there will be days when I'll be distant,

Just so that you don't feel guilty (because you really did nothing wrong),

Just to let you know, I love you for everything.

Even though you didn't help me yet,

I know you will help me later.

So please don't say sorry.

Don't let go of our hands.

The Rain, The Books and The Lethargy.

2009-11-14T21:21:00.007+08:00

I woke up today in the noon.

'Oh shit, I gotta study!'

I took a shower, had breakfast and...

Went to pack my books in a box because I am moving to a new house!!

So I spent some time on that, even though I knew I had to study.

But I studied, for a while. And took breaks...

TEEHEE.

And then I took a shower. I went back to studying (economics!) and then my phone started talking to me. I played some songs and after two slow songs, an upbeat song played on and I got up and started to dance and jump around.

Of course, my dance were mainly jumping and waving my arms around.

But it was fun. Until my dad knocked on the door and called me back to reality. 'It's almost time to eat dinner!' He tells me.

So I have the last few minutes of studying (economics!) and I eat dinner.

And now I am using the net, wasting time again.

I am SO gonna do bad in my exams.

Curse my low will power to study.
BUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBU ^3^

Just The Way It Is.

2009-11-12T20:03:00.001+08:00

Why do I imagine my hands bleeding when I walk through the entrance?

Why do I wish I could bleed without feeling any pain?

And how long will I keep imagining it?

I know I lost a fight before I tried.

And they say, 'He's not worth it', just because he hurt me.

So then if every one I like hurts me, they're not worth it?

Do you think I deserve someone better?

How long do I wait, to find someone who deserves me or who I deserve?

Don't feed me with lies or hope that won't happen.

Don't make me wish, when the star is falling.

Let me hide and run away.

Let me laugh while I cry.

Use me, drag me, carry me like a doll.

Because I know I lost a fight before I tried.

'They're indecisive'.

But I don't care.

I'm just letting it go.

Because I've really started to learn how to give up before I realize it's given up on me.

I always take a deep breath before I falter.

Then I'll smile to cover up the heavy weight.

'What's wrong with you?' I'll be there for you.

Even if you fell for my close friend.

And I sigh, (sigh), it's jealousy taking over me.

But she's much too dear for me to lose over you.

There're others who are much better than me.

That's why I don't need to bother confirming that I'm not the one.

And I'll grow up to be those old ladies with plenty of cats in my home.

Haha (At least I have my cats).

Won't you laugh too? Because I am (I think).

I don't force myself to feel sad but it's better to let it out while it's there.

Or else I'll have 'eyes like tunnels'.

And I'll feel a peculiar pain whenever I touch anything. Just like before.

But before this I knew he called me a 'bitch' and found me annoying.

And there was no choice because I couldn't stop myself, no matter how much I wanted to.

It will hurt me when you tell me the worst (in my case) but I'll accept it.

I'm only human. I'm only dumb. I'm only ugly. I'm only fat.

It's ONLY me.

What have you got to lose, when I'm not around?

If I didn't exist, your life wouldn't have changed.

Don't tell me it would, because if I didn't exist you will never know me.

And then you'll pour sweetness onto me.

In the next minute you won't care about me.

It's happened before, it'll happen again.

And then I'll laugh again. Again. Again.

And I'll hate myself for my insecurity, my lameness and my weakness.

And I'll hate myself for being too dependent on someone. Anyone.

Because I hate being lonely. And I still haven't felt the feeling of being alone yet not lonely.

I'm switching between my past and my present.

I run away before I hit a dead end.

And you're still going to tell me, 'Stop being a retard and cheer up', or 'Stop being a jackass and stop thinking that way'.

Can I say 'Bullshit'?

I don't because I just don't want to hurt you.

And I will always imagine the blood dripping off my fingertips.

Sid and Nancy had the best time of their life.

Rolling.

2009-11-11T21:16:00.003+08:00

I want to bite into an apple right now.

I sigh everyday. I smile everyday.

I'm tired of suppressing.

I should just forget it now.

It's hard but I can.

I know I can.

And nothing is going to change.

At least things are normal.

And I'll just sigh everyday.

Everything's Ok.

2009-11-09T22:18:00.004+08:00

I woke up groggily, sleep deprived, and a headache.

I need to go back to sleep; I need to be free.

Life's full of worries and workloads and it's hard to cope.

But what's my choice, I have no say.

So I get into the car and I walk into class.

I sit in my usual seat and lay my head on the cool table.

Only after an hour or two (of class) I'm energized.

But I seriously want to go back to bed.

Or sleep under the hot water in my shower.

I'm craving for a bath (in a bathtub) and listen to soft music.

The day drags on, I laugh and I smile.

I'm naughty and playful and work's not on my mind.

I couldn't stand sitting in my seat, I need to jump.

I need to dance, I need to sing, I need to have fun.

And the sky darkens and I didn't want it to rain.

Classes end and I stand under the dark sky.

I talk with my friends.

I laugh again.

It drizzles.

It's getting heavier.

It's torrential (Am I exaggerating?)

I run in the rain and I'm dripping wet.

The rain slides down my cheeks like tears.

And I feel sad, reasons unknown.

I'm back home and I sleep.

I dream of something nice.

I wake up and sigh.

Everything's Ok.

We don't make sense in my mind.

2009-11-07T21:37:00.003+08:00

"So I put my hands up
They're playing my song"

You don't need a heart when you have mine.

But you don't need me since you have a heart.

My mind is like a spiral.

One moment I'm positive,

The other moment I'm negative.

I wish I could explore the endless universe

And fly across space freely, in relaxation.

I'm on the boundary of falling,

When there're two sides to everything.

Don't be surprised when I fall down.

I had a dream that I was falling through the sky.

The fear, the excitement, this is life.

Be worried when I'm too happy.

Better yet, don't worry.

Life's too short for worries.

Give me a smile, come on, show me.

You'll put a smile on my face too.

"I'm noddin' my head like yeah
I'm movin' my hips like yeah"

So why don't we have another party,

And you can dance the night away.

I'll join in the fun.

I wonder if you realize,

Left and right aren't touching.

If I stand at the top of the stairs,

Do you find yourself beside me?

You don't, because you're at the bottom.

I'll grab a bite and drink a while.

Don't listen to me, no one does.

I'll read your messages and ponder on them.

I'll laugh and cry and I'll reply to them.

Do not reply when you don't want to.

I appreciate that.

Do you realize, we don't make sense?

Left and right aren't touching.

We do, sometimes.

"The DJ plays my song and I feel alright"

Another Friday night out :3

2009-11-07T00:46:00.006+08:00

Inglorious Basterds.

I found it very interesting.

But very gory. Sorry, I don't really review movies.

Oh, everytime I remember the most painful scenes in the movie, my body is in pain as well.

But oh my god, the hall was freezing cold.

I shivered madly halfway through the movie.

Having no jacket to cover me was horrible.

But the jacket wouldn't have made much difference though.

Cold, Cold, Cold.

Yet after leaving the movie hall I suddenly became hot.

Hot, Hot, Hot.

Like having a fever.

I don't understand my body.

There's never a day when I don't end up having a high body temperature.

Only to return to normal after a while.

And then becoming hot again.

I just need the cold wind

When that happens.

But I really hate it when it happens because it's really uncomfortable.

I feel really lethargic, sleepy and annoyed.

I don't have any mood to have fun.

I just feel like going home.

But in the end I don't.

In the end I went to watch Inglorious Basterds.

Alcohol on Blisters.

2009-11-04T20:47:00.000+08:00

I'm really tired.

I'm still waiting.

I'm trying to forget.

I really shouldn't have done that.

SHITFUCK.

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

Walked around in flats but I still got blisters.

Poured alcohol (ethanol?) on blisters and they sting like hell.

Ended up crying more than I thought, but I guess it was because of more than just the blisters.

Nah, I didn't cry for anything.

I feel too dead to cry.

No, I will definitely wait & see.

And I will forget that dream of bliss.

Besides, memories are better without me.

甘い。

2009-11-02T11:07:00.001+08:00

"So what if it hurts me? So what if I break down?" -- Leona Lewis/Happy.

"Kiss my lips and maybe you can take me to your world for now...I can't be alone right now" -- Olivia/Winter Sleep.

"Oh, won't you walk through? And burst in the door and take me away?" -- Katy Perry/Thinking of you.

"Let's play a love game, play a love game" -- Lady Gaga/Love Game.

"I'm here waiting for you, 風に吹かれ一人迷っても” -- Olivia/a little pain.

"So if you have a minute why don't we go talk about it somewhere only we know" -- Keane/Somewhere Only We Know

"My stomach screams just when I look at you" -- Demi Lovato/Catch Me

"降り続く現実に傘などない" -- Stereopony/泪のムコウ

"I'm not gonna write you a love song' -- Sara Bareilles/Love Song

"Just get back up when it knocks you down" -- Keri Hilson/Knocks You Down

"心は戦場だから誰にも救えない" -- The Back Horn/罠

"But for now just come here, let me whisper in your ear" -- Madonna/Celebration

"No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone" -- Sara Bareilles/Gravity.

"We're gonna lose control" -- Pixie Lott/Boys and Girls.

キミ．に．ムネ．キュン．

2009-10-29T21:10:00.000+08:00

Hahahaha.

Hahahahaha.

Hahahahahahaha. I've got a feeling.

Hahahahaha.

Hahahaha. Tonight's not that good of a night.

Hahahahaha.

Hahahahahahaha. But its gonna be a good night.

Hahahahaha.

Hahahaha. Random.

キミに胸キュン。

Sigh.SIgh.SIGh.SIGH.

2009-10-28T21:56:00.000+08:00

"The more I like you, the more you hate me."

It's going to happen that way, I'm sure.

The reason why you don't hate me now is because you don't know anything.

I've thought about it yesterday, today and I will think about it tomorrow.

Because there is no.way that it's going to happen.

I really wish that you would...

Let It All Out.

2009-10-19T19:02:00.000+08:00

Friends -

I love having friends.

But I'm starting to wonder.

Are my friends as close as I thought they are?

It's ok. I'll accept everything.

I'm always just laughing.

Change. But-

2009-10-17T22:47:00.000+08:00

I changed my blog template! :3

And...

The 'me' right now still prefers to simply look at the person.

And when I think of taking a step forward to just say "Hi." I stop and give up.

What's the point of liking someone now.

I don't deserve it. No one deserves to like a person like me.

So I decided to stop doing anything that would have myself end up liking anyone.

But I still have dreams of him.

But I know I still can't stop looking at him.

Why. Why. I hate myself. I want to cry.

Dream.

2009-10-11T16:29:00.000+08:00

He takes me in his arms and I sit on his lap. But the person sitting on another chair; it's also him.

I look at the two of them. They're both the same person. Then why are there two of them?

I am suddenly caged in by his arms. The other sitting near us gets up. He looks at me and he says, "That's only a shell. I'm leaving my shell with you." He walks away.

I reach out my hand to him and my voice doesn't reach him. As he walks away, the shell holds me tighter.

And then I wake up.

Why Can't I....

2009-10-08T20:48:00.000+08:00

Why Can't I:

Laugh whenever I want to,

Cry whenever I want to,

Be angry whenever I should,

Say something when I could,

Be the way I am.

Why Can't I...

Like the person I want to, even if I don't know him (not even his name) and just find him cute?

It's not like he'll look at me anyway.

Besides, there's plenty of other girls way better than me anyway. I have no doubt about that.

Smarter, Cuter, Prettier, Funnier, and more Interesting.

All those girls are Out There. Better than me.

So Why Can't I?

少女マンガ．．．バンザイ！

2009-10-05T21:16:00.001+08:00

I wish the picture was smaller but...

[Shoujo manga...BANZAI!] = [Comics (for girls)...BANZAI!]

Why do I say this? Because...

I just read Skip Beat!! YAYYYYYY!!
I love Skip Beat, it's one of my favourite manga.

But like usual shoujo manga, when you think the guy is about to kiss the girl, he doesn't. URGH.
But still, it was awesome!!

Ok, story goes like this: There's a girl, Mogami Kyoko. She aims to be a top actress to beat her childhood friend, Fuwa Shou because he played with her heart. She meets a famous actor named Tsuruga Ren, who later falls in love with her. And a love triangle happens. Sort of love triangle. But I love the story!

I couldn't help but to post about a manga. I love manga.

A (....) productive Saturday night.

2009-10-03T23:58:00.000+08:00

I was bored just now and so I changed the lyrics to 1234 by Plain White T's. I have nothing against them. I just did this for fun. And I changed the song name to HEY FCUK YOU.

HEY FCUK YOU

You gave me more hatred than I ever had
You pushed me down the drain while I cried so bad
Insult me like a pig even when I treat you nice
I turn so pale when I see you pass
I get so mad
I just wanna kill you
But I'll be thrown into jail if I do
You make it easy

As easy as 1-2-1-2-3-4
There's only
ONE thing
TWO do
THREE words
FOUR you
HEY FCUK YOU
There's only
ONE thing
TWO say
Those THREE words
That's what I'll do...
HEY FCUK YOU

I know you're a glutton and you are so fat
There's no one in the world that is as bad
I'm telling you you're gonna burst before you turn 20
You think you look so hot until you pop a button
I laugh so hard
And I'm so glad I saw that
I gotta tell everyone about that
You make it easy

As easy as 1-2-1-2-3-4
There's only
ONE thing
TWO do
THREE words
FOUR you
HEY FCUK YOU
There's only
ONE thing
TWO do
THREE words
FOUR you
HEY FCUK YOU
HEY FCUK YOU

You make it easy
It's easy as 1-2-1-2-3-4
There's only
ONE thing
TWO do
THREE words
FOUR you
HEY FCUK YOU

Chorus is the same, so I didn't want to keep writing out the same thing over and over.

Then I changed the lyrics to Poker Face by Lady GaGa. I don't have anything against her too. I love her songs. I changed the song name to Can't You Stop. But I'm not gonna post it. LOL.

I LOVE SHIN.

2009-10-01T21:26:00.000+08:00

I have a cat.

My cat's name is SHIN.

SHIN is a stray cat.

I love SHIN.

I think SHIN hates me.

- Does that remind you of those reading books you used to learn when you were in kindergarten? Those Jack and Jane books where they talk in third person sometimes (even when they're talking about themselves).

Mirror Image.

2009-09-28T21:44:00.000+08:00

Just as the title says, I'm looking at my reflection.

Figuratively.

But let's get back to that later.

Today was the day I return to college from two weeks of holidays!

NOOOOOOOO. UGHSOUNFAIR.

Hehehe.

Today...I took some pictures. I tried camwhoring. Sadly, my eyes were blinded by the flash of my camera and my eyes went small (like smaller than how they are now, because I'm Japanese and my eyes are small).

And I ate fried noodles while studying Law.

And I would have loved to post the pictures here but because my net is a retard I apparently cannot.

T_T

So, back to my reflection.

FYI, I only stand in front of the mirror to check how I look, and not look at myself and literally contemplate about myself. And I don't strike poses. (....lol).

Anyway, as I was saying...

I like to see couples. I like to see them because they're always full of love and I think about what nice things love can bring. And that it must feel so nice to be with someone you really like and feel comfortable and be loved (by a person besides your parents).

At the same time, I feel so envious.

And I totally hate that, because in my opinion I don't deserve feeling envy for something like this.

The truth is, when I actually do feel something for a person and the person talks to another girl I feel jealous.

It is a horrible feeling.

Yes, in my opinion I don't deserve to feel envy for something like this.

Why or how should I be feeling envy, when I know that if I were to like someone, it would stop (like a switch) and I would lose all those feelings for him?

It just wasn't fair. And I can't blame anyone for feeling this way, because it's my feelings.

I have to say, my emotions are too much for me to bear. At least the negative emotions.

Because I would always welcome positive emotions.

After all, if I lived in happiness and joy all day, then I wouldn't have to feel that awful heavy weight on my heart and that tightening of my stomach into knots.

Or feel like I was drowning in water when I can always get back to the surface.

Why do I have to get back to the surface?

Why couldn't I just let myself drown?

Probably because it's not something in my character to do.

And I'm not at the stage of wearing a mask...yet.

Or maybe because I was too scared to drown.

How sad. I wish I could. I probably would have stopped myself from making this blog if I did.

But I'm not regretting making this blog. And I feel better writing this post.

But today, once again, there was a heavy weight on my heart and the tightening of my stomach.

And my feelings were running wild inside me.

I was glad I stayed as passive as ever while I kept that all inside me.

~Saera.

Me: Realizing Myself.

2009-09-23T23:08:00.000+08:00

For one night, as I lay on my bed (well not really a bed...) I started to think about life generally and most significantly on my feelings...towards somebody.

Experiencing love is something that, although it can be very painful, something good or something worthwhile. If no one ever experienced it at least once or at least a small bit of love for someone, I would say...that's weird. :)

And I've experienced my share of happy, sad and bittersweet moments of love. Although it may not be as strong or as big as others and maybe not as long as others, it still happened, and I have to say it affected me. I think.

Because I know I have been hurt and I have hurt.

So I've entered college. I've met new people. I've seen new people.
Unfortunately, not many attractive guys. LOL.
But there are a few. XD
But none who I can have feelings for, as much as I wanted to.

And I really did want to. At least a teaspoon of those feelings of liking someone.

Those bittersweet, happy feelings you get when the person talks to you or walks by you. Even though you know there's a high chance it's not going to work out between you two.

I know it's strange. But I am strange.

Everytime I think of someone who I could start to like (as more than as a friend), I stop, just like a machine being switched off. Why do I stop?

Because everytime I think of that someone my stomach tightens painfully and my heart feels like its stuck in a cage that I can't be free from. It hurts, almost as if I can't breathe and my heart is heavy.

If I drew how I felt onto a piece of paper I would just colour it black, because really, I felt like I was in the dark everytime I felt that heavy weight on my heart and that painful tightening of my stomach.

At first, I had no idea why I felt that way everytime I think of liking someone.

But now, I realized after thinking about it for an hour (or what seemed like an hour) that I was scared of experiencing it again, even though I wanted to experience it.

I hate that.

~Saera.

Words.Strings.Connection.

１リットルの涙。

Merry-Go-Round.

The World Still Moves Round and Round.

ピンク色なのに？

Every.

明日も。

きっと。。。

SOSOS.

ShortShorts - 10

ShortShorts - 9

ShortShorts - 8

ShortShorts - 7

ShortShorts - 6

ShortShorts - 5

ShortShorts - 4

ShortShorts - 3

ShortShorts - 2

ShortShorts.

flumpool. What's flumpool?

オードリー 春日、やきにく、キングダム ハーツ。

December III.

December (II)//If I was the Light.

December.

Am I supposed to...

Stay up late with me.

You know it.

I want you to know.

Because you're gorgeous when you're nude.

You. Me.

繋いだ手を離さないで。/ Don't let go of our hands.

The Rain, The Books and The Lethargy.

Just The Way It Is.

Rolling.

Everything's Ok.

We don't make sense in my mind.

Another Friday night out :3

Alcohol on Blisters.

甘い。

キミ．に．ムネ．キュン．

Sigh.SIgh.SIGh.SIGH.

Let It All Out.

Change. But-

Dream.

Why Can't I....

少女マンガ．．．バンザイ！

A (....) productive Saturday night.

I LOVE SHIN.

Mirror Image.

Me: Realizing Myself.

オードリー　春日、やきにく、キングダム　ハーツ。